Butts Are No Longer Funny

You may still laugh about butts, but there will come a time in your life when they are no longer funny. They will become too real.

A family will come into your workplace; they will be more dysfunctional than any customers you have ever experienced. You will be embarrassed for them. Before you know it, the teenage brother and sister will be fighting over the toppings and flinging froyo out of their cups, as they race to get the peanut butter cups first. The boy will grab some spoons and jab his sister in the side for no apparent reason. When she gets mad, and she will indeed become enraged, you may hear an empty threat you’ve heard many a time: “If you don’t stop, I’m gonna shove that spoon up your butt!” The most surprising part of the evening though is that this girl is not joshing her brother. She will shove it up his butt. With brute force. He will most likely be wearing sweatpants, which is even more disturbing because his crack will be defined with the stick end of the spoon coming out. He will scream, and you will pretend that you don’t want to. Just when you think it’s over, as they pay for their yogurt and go to sit down, spoonbutt boy will forget which utensil was wedged between his buttocks and proceed to SNIFF BOTH SPOONS HE IS CARRYING. At which point he decides to give up BECAUSE APPARENTLY WHO CARES I MIGHT AS WELL JUST EAT WITH THIS ONE COVERED IN BUTT JUICE and not just throw them out and get a new spoon since they are free.

As you stare, mouth wide open looking for some kind of explanation for the previous traumatic events, I suggest you close your eyes. Close your eyes and dream of a time when you did not see a colorful yogurt spoon stuffed between a part of the human anatomy that releases waste into a latrine. Take a deep breath. This is where you work. This isn’t the last time you’ll see something like this. This is your life.