Have you ever looked over just as someone was doing something really awkward? Or been caught doing something embarrassing? There’s a frantic exchange of looks for a millisecond before both parties remember that eyes can look away for politeness’ sake. You can even keep your eyes from burning to a crisp when your neighbour runs onto their porch in a speedo for the third time this week and it’s only Tuesday.
Here are some things I’ve pretended not to see. But I did see them. And now I will talk about them to make myself feel better about it.
1. Somebody eating a meatball sub. It’s as big as their face, sauce is spewing out, and worst of all — WORST OF ALL — their mouth is open wider than the grand canyon. To get their mouth open this wide, the rest of their face contorts, and their eyes are buggy and squinty at the same time. Some people even close their eyes to bite the large sandwich, which turns lunch into an emotional experience. If you make eye contact, you’ll get this awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that they’re hungry enough to eat you. It’s just uncomfortable.
2. Your mom washing the dishes you just dirtied. Go ahead, just set your dirty ice cream bowl over on the counter, and back out of the room slowly.
3. Someone singing along to the radio in their car. Cruisin’ along with the radio blasting makes anyone feel like a superstar, but when you don’t have the radio on and the car next to you is jamming out, they kind of look silly. If you make eye contact, they’ll probably stop what they’re doing and pretend they forgot the words. It just ruins the mood.
4. Animals getting it on at the zoo. There must have been something in the air the last time I went to the zoo because everything from the lions to the red pandas were procreating. oh wow this fence is really tall that’s a nice fence looks like metal
5. Seeing someone you kind of know in public. Do they recognize me? Should I say “hi?” Oh my heavens they’re getting closer. Ok ok I can do this. Do they even know who I am? *awkwardly smiles and makes an odd grunt-like noise*
6. Someone watching their dog take a crap. You know, this is a tough situation. Watch Tickles take a tinkle? You seem too curious. Look down at your phone? Too self absorbed. Pick a nice bush off to the left. A quick look at your watch isn’t bad either, as long as you don’t seem like you’re in a hurry. That’s just rude.
7. Somebody taking a selfie. Have you ever watched someone take a selfie? It’s weird. You suddenly feel superior to them just because you’re not taking a selfie. (Even if you took one this morning.) You find a need to watch them take it even though it feels like you shouldn’t. It’s just so weird to see someone sitting by themselves with a blank expression, and then when they pull up snapchat, a moment is frozen in time where they’re all smiles about who knows what. Life is good! In this selfie.
8. Somebody paying with boob money. This is just something I wish I didn’t have to see. I make my disapproval obvious as I reach out two fingers for the bill and scrunch up my face. Today I even got a sweaty bill from a teenager’s waistband. My parents and I had a conversation about this at dinner once. We couldn’t decide which would be worse: boob money or armpit money. I vote for none of the above.