I know it may seem hard to admit that there are socially accepted items and ideas in our life that are completely ridiculous when thought about in great detail. But I’m going to ask you to please lower your pointer finger and set aside your objections. There are so many things that we are priveleged to have living in developed countries, and it’s a blessing and a shame that these inventions even exist. Let’s take a walk down reality check lane, shall we?
1. Stuffed Animals – I have a monkey from the hospital giftshop from getting my tonsils out, a bear I got for Christmas, even a little sheep that used to sleep next to my pillow. But what’s important to ask yourself of your own stuffed animals is where are they right now? Be honest. Attic, basement, or under your bed? I suppose they’re comforting for children, but what do you do with them after age 10? You can’t display them unless you’re an old lady with an avon perfume scented living room who spends her time grooming them with a brush and caring for her cat Mitzi. We also need to take a quick moment to talk about girls whose dream it is to get a large stuffed animal from their boyfriend. Why? How will that benefit you in any way? I don’t have room for an oversized, beady eyed creature. You know what I do have room for? A Taco Bell giftcard. *wink* *wink* boyfriend. Lol jk that’s what I would say
Anyways moving on…
2. Sprinkles – They’re colorful, they’re small, they go on ice cream…and that’s about it.
3. Dumps – It surprises me that we’re really still throwing our garbage in a dump. Who came up with that idea in the first place? Or maybe the better question is, why did no one stop them? So we have all this nasty waste, or perfectly good stuffed animals that were thrown out, and what should we do with it? Let’s take alllll the garbage, and push it someplace else. Throw it in a pile! Somewhere we don’t have to look at it! Oh, wait. I do the same thing in my bedroom. Maybe I should stop here.
4. Forks – Unnecessary. I can always tell who the dignified people are who come into the froyo shop. They’re the ones who hold up the sample cups with a puzzled look, and ask how they’re supposed to eat their sample. Preferably with your mouth, ma’am. Sticking my tongue in a sample cup doesn’t bother me. And neither does eating meatloaf with my hands.
5. Conversation Heart Candies – This is the snack that you found in the bottom of your backpack, along with some pencil shavings. These candies are somehow a staple for Valentine’s Day, but taste like nothing and have the consistency of chalk.
6. Awards – A personal, “You did a good job” or “Thank you”, means so much more to me than a trophy somebody else cried or fought over. Everybody deserves recognition for something. Let’s bestow honor upon others with our kind words. 😉
7. Paperclips – I have a lot of paperclips that I thought I would need in college for some reason. I was wrong. Anytime I use one, I end up taking it off, and stapling my papers together.
8. Birthday Cards – Unless it makes you laugh so hard you spit birthday cake out your nose, or it’s from your grandma, it will get thrown away. You buy somebody a present, and then you have to rush back to the store when you remember to buy a piece of paper for $3.65. I’m not saying I don’t parttake in this social ritual, I just think it’s important to point out that every party involved knows the uselessness of the card before it has time to get its birthday suit on.
9. Diet Soda – Seems like an oxymoron to me. Ha Ha Ha we all know the joke about the guy who orders a plate full of bacon and a diet soda. You might as well guzzle the tastier stuff if you’re going to do that to your teeth and gut and every major organ.
10. Black Licorice – I feel like they only make this flavor because they feel like they have to. It just makes people gag and spit. Maybe it does have a use after all! DNA testing! Throw out the cotton swabs, Doc.
I could go on, but I won’t. You probably have something else to do now. Like eat pizza! Ooh, yes do that please. There’s never a wrong time for pizza. Pizza is a wonderful thing for so many reasons. Reason #1: We eat it from the inside out. Don’t judge a pizza by its crust.
Hannah out. ✌
It sounded cool in my head, ok?